Future address by Barack Hussein Obama … (Hypothetical)

“We Held These Truths to be Self-Evident” a few hundred years ago…

My fellow citizens, today I want to discuss a sensitive, but vastly overdue issue regarding the celebrated paperwork which gave a few power hungry individuals the right, in their minds, to overthrow a genial government and entrench themselves firmly in this place we call “America.”

The intellect and zeal of this country’s “Founding Fathers” was the driving force when the rebellious Colonies, in a rude and ungrateful manner, sought to sever ties with their homeland and a beloved King and his Parliament. King George, who was, as we all will agree, right in his opinion that the government must tax the people to make them feel included in their government, a fair and tolerant leader.

It is important to remember that our nation’s first “leaders” acted illegally to create a new world order on the shores of a country that was, before the arrival of a few land-grabbing and disease-ridden white people, the rightful home of peaceful and generous Native Americans.

The “pilgrims,” more aptly called belligerent ex-pats, disembarked on these shores still clinging to their muskets and whining about “freedom of religion.” Their humble indigenous hosts shared the wealth of their bounty to keep these malcontents from starving through their first season on foreign soil. The pilgrims showed their appreciation by introducing the Indians the business end of a musket and infecting them with sexually transmitted diseases. I’m certain that if those innocent Indians had any idea of how their hospitality would be repaid, they would have told the Pilgrims to go get “stuffed” – like a turkey.

After many years, the interlopers from Great Britain were able to thoroughly ensconce themselves on this land, arrogantly laid claim to it and went about decimating many tribes of native people. The British government sought to control these unruly trespassers by establishing a governing body to oversee the collection of taxes and administer the rule of law. However, the desire of corrupt colonials for domination and control was overwhelming; thus began the riots and eventual revolt.

As you know, the violent deeds of the Rebellion were legitimized by the so-called “Declaration of Independence” – a manuscript penned by rebels that gave license to their sympathizers to do great harm to any who stood in the way of their “cause.”

One must acknowledge the enduring impact of the so-called “Founding Fathers” and their propaganda. Even today, the indoctrination of adoration of their antique rules and regulations is taught to society’s most impressionable and innocent citizens: our children. Mere toddlers are coerced into memorizing and pledging allegiance to a piece of cloth which features bright red stripes – symbolic of the blood the trespassers freely and proudly shed in order to evict our benevolent British governance, as well as virtually annihilate the native inhabitants and rightful owners of this territory.

Every year on July 4th, Americans glamorize the terrorist bombings that took place during the upheaval of the presiding government by setting off elegant displays of fireworks. Those ancient acts of violence are further trumpeted in an awkwardly phrased composition, “The Star-Spangled Banner.” This anthem commemorates those riots and pays tribute to the survival of the flag, that blood-drenched rag and the chosen emblem of the new nation.

The acts of brutality and entitlement that we glorify in song and vows are almost without equal; history remembers few individuals with such a brazen gluttony for power. Alexander the Great, Adolf Hitler and Attila the Hun would have been comfortable in the company of Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and the other conspirators of the so-called “American Revolution.”

We find ourselves, today, still bowing and scraping before faded scraps of antiquity; the aforementioned Declaration and the Bill of Rights; pieces of parchment filled with the egotistical ranting of men (where were the women?) who lusted for control, influence and privilege. Dogmatists such as John and Samuel Adams, William Whipple and Caesar Rodney wrote well, so history anointed them with praise for their penmanship (note: John Hancock – his name is a synonym for elegant script).

It is fair to call these radicals usurpers and bigots; after all, they were British citizens in residence upon land that was inhabited by many tribes of indigenous people.

This country’s original residents lived amicably in communal groups. As a former community organizer, I can appreciate the way these “true” Americans lived and worked together for the greater good of the group. If we look to the past for a blueprint for American life, one can do no better than to emulate tribal life and its focus on sharing its tasks, as well as wealth with each member, equally.

However, this is a new day and a new, progressive and genial America. While many still worship the fading scratches of the feathered quills of early supremacists, I believe it is time for these United States to be released from the emotional bondage of words written almost three hundred years ago and begin a new chapter of history, one which addresses the collective needs of our society.

I hereby authorize the formation of a committee to analyze our economic and social organizations, evaluate the efficacy of our current distribution of goods, capital and compensation and create a document that defines the fundamental aspects of our hard-working populace.

This new American manuscript will not reside in a museum or place of worship; it will be available to all, taught to our children in schools and stocked in every library, coast to coast. I encourage all citizens to keep a copy in their homes – even upon one’s person for reference and contemplation.

I envision our new codex of community involvement and civil obedience as a practical guide for American life. I know you’ll support me in this endeavor to create a manual for a kind and fair America; one that doesn’t praise the efforts of insurrectionists or religious fanatics, but acknowledges the importance of working together and sharing our wealth.

As we continue to rectify and apologize for the mistakes of the past and look toward a more appreciative America, other changes must be made to atone for past indiscretions. For example, to reflect this country’s new emphasis on fairness and focus on wealth management, the Capitol Building will be renamed the “Worker’s Representation Convention Center.”

Let me conclude today’s address with one more task: my next act as your president will likely be difficult for the older, less productive generation of American’s to accept, however, in order for this country to start a new era of contrition and healing, we must part ways with the past and discard the term “United States of America.” Too many people associate that name with rebellious acts, terrorism and persecution, in fact, the mere mention of the name “United States,” is cause for aggravation, resentment and unhappiness for foreigners around the world. Henceforth, this country is the “Collective Republics of the Northern Hemisphere” (CRNH).

May the fictitious deity of your choice approve of our Collective Republics of the Northern Hemisphere!

Grab your Merriam-Websters and some red pens. According to Obama and crew, it’s time to update our dictionaries!

March 24, 2009

Man-Caused Disasters and other irritating issues (Part II):

The Obama administration is playing fast and loose with our language again. Are you ready for this? The “global war on terror” is just an icky name, according to Mr. Obama’s regime. We’re now going to call it, and, no, I’m not making this up, the “Overseas Contingency Operation.” I know the new phrase will make the Iranians, Al Qaeda, the Taliban and every malcontent willing to strap a few sticks of TNT to his or her chest feel all warm and fuzzy about America.

In the spirit of reciprocity, I fully expect that Muslim extremists will cease to call us the “Great Satan” and use a less incendiary substitute, such as “kinda big demonically-inclined” or “super-sized malevolent one.” Perhaps we could start a contest for best alternative language for “Great Satan?” (“Big Bad” is already taken by “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” While the show is out of production, the term is closely associated with Buffy and the Scooby Gang.)

The announcement regarding the Overseas Contingency Operation comes on the heels of a language modification by our Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano. I was taken aback when I learned that Napolitano decided to tinker with the term “terrorism,” declaring that it was now just “man-caused disasters.”

I simply cannot find the words … however, I’m certain that Obama et al will find an appropriate way for me to express my feelings.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I just can’t wait for the publication of the new, revised American Dictionary according to Obama.

Link to the Washington Post article:

Man-Caused Disasters (Part I)

March 17, 2009

This isn’t a blog; this is just me, taking a moment to absorb what I just heard on “Hannity” this evening:

I turned off my laptop less than an hour ago, planning on spending some quiet time with my pet, watching the news and relaxing after a long day.

During a FoxNews commercial break, I surfed over to “Larry King Live” a few minutes, just in time to hear Larry’s guest, Donald Trump, stroking his ego over claims that he warned us two years ago about the imminent economic disaster. Thanks, Donald.

Mr. Bush, Trump whined, ‘left us with an awful mess.’ Someone should inform Mr. Trump, tycoon-extraordinaire, that this “awful mess” is grounded in legislation and tactics put in place by former presidents Carter and Clinton. Trump went on to predict that Mr. Obama would eventually do okay… well, that’s comforting, isn’t it?

Turning back to Fox, Sean Hannity was recapping the news of the day; one story mentioned that Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, is taking on the august task of changing American English to reflect her disagreement with the “policy of fear” of the previous administration. Terrorism, she proclaims, should be renamed as a “man-caused disaster.”

Are … You … Kidding … Me? (Expletives, sighs, gasps, groans and sounds of human suffering deleted.)

I’m not sure if the tears I feel on my cheeks are from repressed hysterical laughter or from a deeply-felt fear of what the future holds for Americans under this administration.

For example, Obama closed Gitmo, but doesn’t know what to do with its prisoners – he isn’t even sure where to send them or what to call them. Mr. Obama decided that the term “enemy combatant” is too impolite for the um, guys we arrested on the battlefield in Afghanistan (GWABAs?).

I used to be a press agent, so I understand how subtle manipulations of words and sentences can change and affect the intent of a message. Secretary Napolitano’s use of a “nuance” to camouflage a serious and on-going threat to the safety and security of every American is frightening – and she is the head of Homeland Security.

While we’re here, shall we open the floor to other politically-correct concerns and demand that Secretary Napolitano explain why terrorism is a “man-caused disaster” and not a “female-caused disaster?” I’m waiting for Gloria Steinem to chime in on this one.

I’m not known for snarky diatribe, but I was, initially, speechless after learning of Napolitano’s terminology tampering. I had to grab my laptop and express my incredulity … I don’t have high expectations for the Obama administration, but it pains me to see so much effort expended to undermine the well-being of our nation.

Here’s the link to the original report on FoxNews:

If you want a good laugh or cry, try reading the Detroit Examiner’s story about Obama’s soft-hearted and weak-minded terminology adjustment regarding GWABAs, formerly known as enemy combatants. If you have time to post a comment to this article (the feature is heavy on insults to President Bush – can you imagine what would have happened without George Bush at the helm during the 9/11 attacks? Could Gore, Kerry or Obama have coped with the pressure of that vicious man-caused disaster?), feel free to flame. Here’s the link:

I Get It

February, 19, 2009

The day before the Inauguration, I was in my car driving home from the gym. As I turned down one street, I noticed a little house on my left; it was festooned with US flags, garlands, and twinkle lights. An African-American woman was on the porch excitedly chatting on her cellphone while continuing to adorn her home. Her countenance radiated enthusiasm, pride, patriotism and joy.

I realized that this lady’s happiness was in sharp contrast to my own disappointment and bewilderment over the man who won the vote for President.

As I watched this woman for a moment while waiting for the light to change, I remembered an email I received from a former client a few months earlier; he and his family were endorsing Obama and encouraging all of their friends to vote for him.

I met my former client during my first professional career as an entertainment publicist in Los Angeles. He is an African-American comedian/radio personality who retained my services for almost 10 years. During the decade that we worked together, I became well acquainted with him and his family.

Before I was retained by this client, my knowledge and association with African-Americans was limited. I was raised in a predominantly white neighborhood and had few friends of different ethnicities. There were racial tensions in the early days of high school, but those difficult days eventually subsided during the early – mid 1970s. Still, there was tension within the student body that occasionally created a divisive feeling between whites and blacks. It wasn’t until I started working my former client that I became a little more enlightened about the ethnic and cultural lives of African-Americans.

During the years of our association, I became good friends with my client’s wife. When I was diagnosed with a serious illness, Joan was by my side throughout the entire ordeal. I will never forget and will always be grateful for her calm, spiritual presence when I was frightened and ill.

Joan gave me a little window into her life, the racial climate in which she was raised (Atlanta, Georgia) and challenges she faced growing up in that area. Joan is a dignified individual – there is no anger, sense of entitlement or resentment. However, as she told me about her life and experiences, she revealed a world that was a bit different from mine. I knew, of course, that there is a chasm between races, perhaps less now than in the past, but Joan helped me see it from her perspective – a valuable gift to me.

I’m not pleased with the outcome of the election – that is my most polite statement on the subject. However, as I watched that woman preparing her home for a celebration, a day of symbolism and significance, I got it. A man was elected who represented many things to people of color: acceptance, success and recognition of not only their heritage, but of their dreams, too. I get that and I can respect those feelings.

One of my greatest regrets is that I would have loved to join in her jubilation and celebrate with her the fulfillment of the American promise of equality and fairness to all. Our nation witnessed an historic event and I am saddened that I couldn’t share the joy that millions felt on January 20th.

Prior to the election, I came to have very grave reservations about the qualifications, integrity and preparedness of Mr. Obama. I disagreed with his proposed agendas and policies before the election and I’m alarmed at the precipitous and ill-prepared actions of the new administration’s first days and weeks; it doesn’t portend well for the next four years.

As a former publicist, I know that he is a political construct of the far left. Behind the smoke, mirrors, flags, pseudo-presidential seals and Styrofoam Greek columns, I could see the image-makers and the media manipulation that influenced the opinions and votes of a hopeful country.

The president of the United States is often referred to as the most powerful man in the world (perhaps, someday soon, woman?). This nation needs a strong and learned leader to shepherd us through a complex and dangerous time in our history; the Oval Office is not the place for affirmative action or social experiments.

It’s wonderful to know that Americans can look beyond race and gender and consider a variety of candidates for high office. It speaks well of our tolerance and maturity. Nevertheless, we need, now more than ever, the best and most qualified individual to lead our nation. I don’t think the new inhabitant of the White House is ready or competent for the job, certainly his actions, words and deeds are proving my sentiments to be on target.

I have goodwill toward the lady with the patriotically-decorated porch. I’m happy for her happiness. Still, I will pray for our country and the man whose victory she proudly celebrated.