If Elected, I Promise . . .

by Robert Arvay, Contributing Writer

Since nobody showed up for my press conference, I am reduced to posting my campaign promises online for all to see, as the cliché would have it.

Although I have been a Ronald Reagan conservative for most of my adult life, I am also a pragmatist. As such, I have come to realize that as things now stand in America, no one can be elected President of the United States by promising to allow people the freedom to make their own way. It is political suicide to preach self-reliance and personal accountability. It is pointless to promise fidelity to a document that very few Americans have any knowledge of, such as the Constitution.

Therefore, in the spirit of contemporary American culture, I have decided to form a new political party that will put Bernie Sanders to shame. I call it the Everything Free Party, with emphasis on the word, party.

My solutions to vexing problems are simple and straightforward. For example, consider the vexing problem of poverty. We all know that millions of impoverished Americans are starving to death. They cannot afford food, medicine or other necessities, such as the latest video game equipment.

Under my plan, these vexing problems will be immediately solved. I will make everyone in America into a billionaire. When elected, my first order of business will be to have the government print up trillions of dollars and send a billion to every American who voted for me. Bingo, vexing problem solved. Why did nobody think of this before?

I will also expand welfare programs to include everybody except people who were already billionaires before I was elected. Everybody will get everything for free, except those rich people who made the free things. I will take from them everything that they have, and give it all to the people who voted for me.

I understand that there will be some people who criticize me. They will claim that if everybody is getting everything free, then nobody will have any incentive to produce free things, and that therefore, there will not be anything to give away. Those are lies, and under my plan, everybody who tells such lies will be thrown into prisons, where they will be forced to make free things for me to give to the people who vote for me.

I will ensure that everybody in America is equal. Anyone who has anything more than you do, will have it taken from them and given to you, assuming of course, that you voted for me.

So vote for me. I will know if you didn’t.

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