Real News v Fake News: “The TSA Pat-Down Incident”

by Robert Arvay, Contributing Writer

First, the real news:

In a recent incident at Denver airport, two Transportation Security Agents were fired for conspiring to sexually grope a male passenger, a criminal violation. No charges have been filed, since the TSA allowed the victimized passenger to depart before asking his name and he has not been found.

Now for the fake news report (I made it all up):

The male passenger who was criminally groped by TSA has been found. He pressed charges. Below is the [fictitious] cross-examination by the defense attorney:

“You say that you were the victim of a sexual assault, specifically, groping. Let me ask you, Mister X. What were you wearing at the time of the alleged assault? Were you behaving in any way that might have encouraged the defendant? Were you “coming on” to him? Was your clothing revealing? What sort of cologne were you using?”

“Stop your crying, Mister X. These are simple questions, and you must answer them. Tell me, sir, exactly why were you at that airport at that time of day? Surely you knew that you would be subjected to a physical pat-down, now didn’t you. Didn’t you? And yet you went there anyway. Did you enjoy it, Mister X? How many other pat-downs have you had at airports in recent months? Did you enjoy those also?”

“Did you have your wife’s permission to be at that airport? You know that this entire incident would never have occurred if you had stayed home and made dinner for your family. You do know that, Mister X, don’t you?”

“I have your personal history here, Mister X. It says here that during your junior year of high school, you asked a fellow student to scratch your back. Was that all that was scratched, Mister X? What more should be in this report that was left out?”

“Admit it, Mister X. You are a slut and a cheap whore. Aren’t you? Come back here, Mister X. Don’t you run from this court room!”

“Your Honor, I move for summary acquittal of all charges and demand that Mister X pay reparations to my clients.”

Of course, the “report” above is only fiction

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