What a mess, huh? I mean some days I just don’t want to watch the news. Every time I do, I find out stuff that just messes with my mind. Like the IRS and stuff.
But you know, playing the part of president isn’t easy. I was told it would be, but it’s not as easy as I expected. Some of those golf courses are brutal.
Anyway, as many of you might know, since you are reporters, the world has a lot of crises going on. Some of them are serious. Like, for example, what’s with the Washington Redskins? Why don’t they just change their name, like I did mine—whoops, pretend I didn’t say that.
Then there’s this stuff going on in the Middle East, whatever, you know? I turn on the TV and there’s all this violence and killing and murder. Those people have no sense of respect for life. Oh wait, that’s the violence in Chicago and an abortion clinic. Forget I said that.
Why are all these Americans upset at having thousands of kids being brought into the US? It’s not like they’re being sent into my daughter’s school or nothing. Hey, they’re escaping violence in their homeland, gangs and murders and—darn it, somebody change that channel from Chicago news, already, I keep mixing things up.
We have serious crises to face, very serious. Why just the other day, Sarah Palin was accusing me of stuff. We can’t have that! She accused me of being pompous and arrogant. I’m too good to have anybody say that kind of stuff about me.
And then there’s global warming. You people have just got to turn off your electricity, stop driving cars, and stuff like that. I’ve been working very hard to stop global warming, and I’m succeeding. Pretty soon, none of you will be able to afford cars, heating and air conditioning, except me and my friends.
We have to get our priorities straight… Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend the gays.
Finally, let me say this. A lot of my critics, you know, those evil people who hate me—they have accused me of not being tough enough on Iran, Russia, and Elbonia. I assure you, that from now on, I am going to get very tough with them. In fact, I am recruiting an army, an entire army, mind you, of speech writers, who are even now in the process of writing some of the toughest speeches I have ever seen. They are using words—tough words, like, “unacceptable” and “I’ll get to the bottom of this” and stuff like that there.
When people hear those speeches, they are going to say, wow, that guy is really tough. And while they will be saying that about Vladimir Putin and not me, they will still be tough speeches. Not tough enough to offend the gays, but still, very tough.
Robert Arvay is a Contributing Writer