University Struggles to Find Even One Conservative Speaker (Parody)

by Robert Arvay, Contributing Writer 


UFS (the University of Free Speech ) in Lib City California has long prided itself on its name, which idolizes freedom of speech as its foundational core value.


It prides itself on its long list of former commencement speakers, a list which includes Fidel Castro, Che Guevara, Hugo Chavez, and Osama bin Laden, and also, some farther left wing speakers as well.


They also recently invited a successful black woman to fulfill their quota, which requires that four point three percent of all speakers at the university be successful black women. Unfortunately, the lady they invited happened to be Condoleezza Rice, who is deemed to be entirely unacceptable because she personally murdered millions of innocent children during the Iraq War. She didn’t actually do that, of course, but once you cross the line from far, far left to anything other than far, far left, you are at least as evil as the worst mass murderers in history, and therefore are not allowed to speak at any university except Brigham Young or Liberty.


In order to prove that they are open minded, however, UFS has also invited speakers from the political right, including such conservative stalwarts as Bill Maher, Jimmy Carter, and Hillary Clinton. Said one UFS official, “Even though these speakers are on the radical right-wing fringe, compared to our professors, we will grit our teeth and demonstrate our tolerance by inviting them.”


It is feared however, that even these speakers may be disinvited if they do not achieve enough votes among the student and faculty body to meet the threshold required to speak at FSU. The threshold is one hundred percent. 


This may seem high, but it prevents a recurrence of last year’s major tragedy in which one student, a radical Islamist suicide bomber, had his feelings hurt, and complained. Three professors were fired over that incident, and nine students expelled, just in case any of them had ever thought a bad thought about radical Islamist suicide bombers.

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