(Almost) Everything I Ever Needed To Know About Liberals, I Learned From Watching Zombie Movies

by Thomas Gilleece, Guest Contributor

Recently, while strolling through one of the few remaining video-rental stores, I stumbled across the 2004 remake (or “re-imagining” as they like to claim these days) of Dawn of the Dead, the 1979 cult-classic about zombies and humans clashing in a Pennsylvania shopping mall. Not surprisingly, I find it sandwiched between remakes of other movies – some good, some not so good – with titles like Clash of the Titans, The Crazies, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Death Race, and The Departed (yes, even that 2006 “Best Picture” winner was based on a foreign film.)

Looking around at all these, uh, re-imaginings – and contemplating all those coming soon – I consider that perhaps brain-dead zombies really do exist, and they are behind all of the “fresh” ideas coming out of Hollywood. With a mixture of disappointment (I usually hate remakes) and excitement (I love zombie flicks), I bring my “new” release home, burn some Jiffy-Pop Popcorn (definitely NOT as much fun to make as it is to eat), and slide the disc into my DVD player.

About an hour into the gore-fest, it hits me! It hits me with all of the bone-crushing impact of a fireplace poker being slammed through some chubby zombie’s eye socket …

Liberals will get us all killed!

I know that may seem a little dramatic, but bear with me.

Here is a zombie movie, from Hollywood no less, that perfectly illustrates the dangers presented by today’s liberals and their misguided ideology. Surely, that was not their intention, but for the discerning eye, it becomes all too obvious.

Let’s dissect, shall we?

(Warning: For those who still have not seen this film, spoilers lie just ahead!)

The movie begins with our heroine, Ana, returning home from her extended shift as a nurse at the local hospital. She greets her rollerblading young neighbor, Vivian, hops into bed with her husband, and proceeds to fall asleep. The next morning, hubby awakens to the sight of Vivian standing eerily in the hallway. After the little tyke takes a bite out of his carotid, Ana slams the door on the zombie-girl and immediately tends to her doomed lover’s wound. He dies quickly, only to rise again with evil intent. He attacks her and she crashes through the bathroom door and into the tub (somehow finding time to lock the door behind her). Her crazed (former) spouse continues his mindless, relentless assault on the (un)locked door and she finally plunges through the tiny bathroom window and into the early-morning sunshine of a world turned upside-down. She speeds away through the nightmarish opening credits, leaving her cookie-cutter neighborhood – and all her new zombie neighbors – behind.

So far so good.

In short order, Ana hooks up with four other desperate (and disparate) survivors – a tough city cop, a sensitive TV salesman, and an expectant interracial couple (interestingly, and perhaps surprisingly, the screenwriters never makes this an issue – no doubt to assure us of how progressive and open-minded they are). This uneasy and unsteady group converges on a huge mega-mall and quickly force their way in.

They soon run into the self-appointed stewards of the shopping structure – a trio of NRA card-carrying conservatives. These men practically have the sobriquet “redneck” stitched into the pockets of their blue collar uniforms. The one-time mall security guards, especially their leader C.J., even speak with slight southern accents (although the movie, which was “outsourced” to Canada, takes place in Milwaukee) and sprinkle cornpone comments throughout. Suddenly, these “Tea Baggers” are faced with a terrible decision: remove this motley crew, or risk their own safety by letting total (and possibly infected) strangers into their haven? Their reactionary instincts suggest the former. Although many would agree this is a harsh decision, it is ultimately the correct one. However, after some persuasive pleas, they allow the newcomers to share their space.

Mistake number one.

The next few minutes shows us how the strangers can work together – strengthening the security, putting painted signs on the roof to alert possible airborne rescuers – and even includes a noteworthy scene in which the star of the original film appears as a preacher on television blaming the current crisis on gay marriage, killing unborn children, man on man sex, etc.

The redneck signals his primitive approval.

Before long, a truck races into the mall parking lot. Ana wonders aloud, and shrilly, what they are going to do about it. C.J. argues, correctly, it turns out, that some of the passengers may be infected, that they may threaten the lives of everyone, and that he is responsible for keeping everyone safe. He suggests they do nothing. He points out that they may be letting the “wrong” people in. Ana quickly seizes on this, and smugly asks, “Who are the ‘wrong’ people?” trying (as is the liberal way) to turn it into a race or class issue. C.J. cleverly responds, “The infected ones.”

Ana (the liberal, in case you hadn’t already guessed) is having none of it. She and the others – including the requisite sensitive security guard, who easily betrays his brothers – ambush the two remaining rednecks and throw them into a holding cell. They then open the doors to the newcomers, which almost immediately gets them all killed.

Mistake number two.

Let me just say that liberalism, as portrayed here, is not necessarily an evil thing. Its intentions, I’m sure, are somewhat noble. But it is a misguided, naive, and simpleminded philosophy. The liberal says: we can’t turn those people away even if they are infected – even if it gets us all killed – because I feel it’s the right thing to do. She doesn’t ask the opinions of the others; she just assumes they will all agree with her. She arrogantly risks, and ultimately sacrifices, the lives of everyone around her because of something she “feels.”

The conservative, on the other hand, knows that in the real world sometimes ugly, unpopular truths must be faced. Tough decisions must be made and he is willing to make them – even at the risk of the group’s derision. He says: we are alive, and I’m going to keep it that way. She says: we are alive, and I’m willing to risk that. How nice of her.

Back at the mall, one of the infected newcomers succumbs to her wounds. Like Ana’s husband earlier, she immediately rises again and begins to attack. Ana, her own life threatened, easily dispatches the living dead with the aforementioned poker through the eye. Hmm.

A conversation ensues and it is determined that the bites cause the deadly infection. Michael (a moderate) decides that they must eliminate those who have been bitten (a difficult decision, to be sure, but the right one). Ana, who only moments before had announced her medical findings, switches to full liberal mode – questioning her own nursing expertise (“What if I’m wrong?”) and challenging Michael and the others to call off their murderous plans. The dialogue is telling and worth repeating:

MICHAEL (clearly agonizing over what must be done): “Would you rather we waited for him to die, and then he tries to kill us?”

ANA: “Yes. No. I mean you can’t just kill him.”

MICHAEL: “I’m sorry.”

ANA: “He’s got a daughter!”

So, if he were a bachelor she would be cool with it? Sure. Nonsensical, bleeding-heart arguments. Sound familiar? As if that weren’t enough, she then rushes to the infected man’s side and announces, with all the sensitivity you’d expect from a professional nurse:

“Frank, Michael’s coming to shoot you!”

After Frank explains that he’s all his daughter has left (as if they haven’t all suffered losses), Ana turns and, suddenly filled with self-righteousness, glares at Michael. “Well, Michael,” she says defiantly. “What are you waiting for? Go ahead, kill him.”

Michael, full of shame, lowers the gun – and his head. I told you he was a moderate.

When, as expected, the man comes back from the dead, Kenneth, the cop, quickly sends him to heaven. If this zombie had gone on a rampage and taken a few innocents with him (including his beloved daughter), that could have easily been BIG mistake number three. One wonders what Ana would have said to the victims as they lay dying. It was Bush’s fault? She inherited this mess? 

The movie then races toward its exciting climax, an ending brought about by a young girl who must be a member of PETA (she forces a search and rescue mission because of her concern for a stray dog – a dog she already knows the zombies are not the least bit interested in). There are two interesting points that bear mentioning:

– When the interracial couple finally have their baby, it is infected. Ana, who is clearly against murder of any kind, shoots the baby in the head without hesitation. What is it with liberals and killing babies?

– In the final minutes, our remaining survivors appear trapped with a mob of zombies rushing toward them. C.J., our lone remaining conservative, stays behind so the others can get away, intentionally blowing himself up (and half of the ravenous undead) in the process, and creating a flaming blockade guaranteeing everyone else’s escape. Including, of course, Ana’s.

The moral of the story is clear: Liberals will get us killed; conservatives are our best hope for survival.

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