Future address by Barack Hussein Obama … (Hypothetical)

“We Held These Truths to be Self-Evident” a few hundred years ago…

My fellow citizens, today I want to discuss a sensitive, but vastly overdue issue regarding the celebrated paperwork which gave a few power hungry individuals the right, in their minds, to overthrow a genial government and entrench themselves firmly in this place we call “America.”

The intellect and zeal of this country’s “Founding Fathers” was the driving force when the rebellious Colonies, in a rude and ungrateful manner, sought to sever ties with their homeland and a beloved King and his Parliament. King George, who was, as we all will agree, right in his opinion that the government must tax the people to make them feel included in their government, a fair and tolerant leader.

It is important to remember that our nation’s first “leaders” acted illegally to create a new world order on the shores of a country that was, before the arrival of a few land-grabbing and disease-ridden white people, the rightful home of peaceful and generous Native Americans.

The “pilgrims,” more aptly called belligerent ex-pats, disembarked on these shores still clinging to their muskets and whining about “freedom of religion.” Their humble indigenous hosts shared the wealth of their bounty to keep these malcontents from starving through their first season on foreign soil. The pilgrims showed their appreciation by introducing the Indians the business end of a musket and infecting them with sexually transmitted diseases. I’m certain that if those innocent Indians had any idea of how their hospitality would be repaid, they would have told the Pilgrims to go get “stuffed” – like a turkey.

After many years, the interlopers from Great Britain were able to thoroughly ensconce themselves on this land, arrogantly laid claim to it and went about decimating many tribes of native people. The British government sought to control these unruly trespassers by establishing a governing body to oversee the collection of taxes and administer the rule of law. However, the desire of corrupt colonials for domination and control was overwhelming; thus began the riots and eventual revolt.

As you know, the violent deeds of the Rebellion were legitimized by the so-called “Declaration of Independence” – a manuscript penned by rebels that gave license to their sympathizers to do great harm to any who stood in the way of their “cause.”

One must acknowledge the enduring impact of the so-called “Founding Fathers” and their propaganda. Even today, the indoctrination of adoration of their antique rules and regulations is taught to society’s most impressionable and innocent citizens: our children. Mere toddlers are coerced into memorizing and pledging allegiance to a piece of cloth which features bright red stripes – symbolic of the blood the trespassers freely and proudly shed in order to evict our benevolent British governance, as well as virtually annihilate the native inhabitants and rightful owners of this territory.

Every year on July 4th, Americans glamorize the terrorist bombings that took place during the upheaval of the presiding government by setting off elegant displays of fireworks. Those ancient acts of violence are further trumpeted in an awkwardly phrased composition, “The Star-Spangled Banner.” This anthem commemorates those riots and pays tribute to the survival of the flag, that blood-drenched rag and the chosen emblem of the new nation.

The acts of brutality and entitlement that we glorify in song and vows are almost without equal; history remembers few individuals with such a brazen gluttony for power. Alexander the Great, Adolf Hitler and Attila the Hun would have been comfortable in the company of Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and the other conspirators of the so-called “American Revolution.”

We find ourselves, today, still bowing and scraping before faded scraps of antiquity; the aforementioned Declaration and the Bill of Rights; pieces of parchment filled with the egotistical ranting of men (where were the women?) who lusted for control, influence and privilege. Dogmatists such as John and Samuel Adams, William Whipple and Caesar Rodney wrote well, so history anointed them with praise for their penmanship (note: John Hancock – his name is a synonym for elegant script).

It is fair to call these radicals usurpers and bigots; after all, they were British citizens in residence upon land that was inhabited by many tribes of indigenous people.

This country’s original residents lived amicably in communal groups. As a former community organizer, I can appreciate the way these “true” Americans lived and worked together for the greater good of the group. If we look to the past for a blueprint for American life, one can do no better than to emulate tribal life and its focus on sharing its tasks, as well as wealth with each member, equally.

However, this is a new day and a new, progressive and genial America. While many still worship the fading scratches of the feathered quills of early supremacists, I believe it is time for these United States to be released from the emotional bondage of words written almost three hundred years ago and begin a new chapter of history, one which addresses the collective needs of our society.

I hereby authorize the formation of a committee to analyze our economic and social organizations, evaluate the efficacy of our current distribution of goods, capital and compensation and create a document that defines the fundamental aspects of our hard-working populace.

This new American manuscript will not reside in a museum or place of worship; it will be available to all, taught to our children in schools and stocked in every library, coast to coast. I encourage all citizens to keep a copy in their homes – even upon one’s person for reference and contemplation.

I envision our new codex of community involvement and civil obedience as a practical guide for American life. I know you’ll support me in this endeavor to create a manual for a kind and fair America; one that doesn’t praise the efforts of insurrectionists or religious fanatics, but acknowledges the importance of working together and sharing our wealth.

As we continue to rectify and apologize for the mistakes of the past and look toward a more appreciative America, other changes must be made to atone for past indiscretions. For example, to reflect this country’s new emphasis on fairness and focus on wealth management, the Capitol Building will be renamed the “Worker’s Representation Convention Center.”

Let me conclude today’s address with one more task: my next act as your president will likely be difficult for the older, less productive generation of American’s to accept, however, in order for this country to start a new era of contrition and healing, we must part ways with the past and discard the term “United States of America.” Too many people associate that name with rebellious acts, terrorism and persecution, in fact, the mere mention of the name “United States,” is cause for aggravation, resentment and unhappiness for foreigners around the world. Henceforth, this country is the “Collective Republics of the Northern Hemisphere” (CRNH).

May the fictitious deity of your choice approve of our Collective Republics of the Northern Hemisphere!